


Between Beginning and End

by AvaDiablo



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-04-02 06:00:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4048861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvaDiablo/pseuds/AvaDiablo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the accident Jun is stuck in a vicious circle of self destruction, Ohno is at a loss of how to reach out to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Between Beginning and End

**Author's Note:**

> Warning - this fanfic is situated after Arashi broke up.

The sakura bloomed. Endless rows of cherry blossom trees marked the entrance to the National Park near Mount Fuji. White pale pink peddles covered the small path on which they walked. Neither of them spoke. Lost in thoughts of their own. Ohno had long since given up reasoning with Jun. He knew for a fact that Aiba-chan and Jun weren't on speaking terms any longer. Nino still kept coming over, only to end up at Ohno's place to complain about his visit the entire night. Sho had stopped coming all together and Ohno couldn't blame him for staying away.

Jun kept his eyes closed as they walked along the path, not wanting to be reminded of the past. Mutual silence hung between them. It felt different from the ones years ago. There used to be an easy silence but lately it had become awkward. The kind of silence in which you wish some one would say something but no one would.

When Ohno had opted to take a cab and drive some where, Jun had no idea that this was where they would end up. His felt uneasy. He didn't want to show his anger. He didn't want to feel it. He simply didn't want to feel anything any more.

Ohno pushed to wheelchair up the winding road to his favourite look-out spot. He had found it when he was still a teenager and needed to relax or blow off steam.

Jun let his foot drag over the sandy ground between the paddles of his chair. He left little clouds of rubble and dust from the small stones, dark sand and cherry blossom peddles lying beneath him. He was resisting the trip; literally putting his foot down showing his silent rebellion.  
"Don't do that," Ohno remarked, noticing the extra weight in pushing the chair up hill.  
"I didn't want to come in the first place. You tricked me. You deal with it!" Jun's childish tone hung between them making Ohno do what he always did these days. Count to ten and walk it off. He could have said something like 'Jun, stop acting like a child!' but what good would it do? He didn't want to agitate his friend any further. It was already hard enough to get Jun out of the house.

Jun put his foot back; stomping it on the foot rest. He knew Ohno wouldn't react. He hardly ever did any more. Jun didn't want to be mad at him. Ohno was all that kept him sane lately. He was going to lose all his friends if he kept going like this, so he knew full well he shouldn't give him such a hard time.  
Only Ninomiya and Ohno came to his house any more. Jun missed his friends, but refused to admit and own up to the fact it was his own fault to begin with. His falling out with Sakurai had been the beginning of the down fall. 

"I don't fucking care what you do! This has to stop, J!" Sho stood, one hand on his hip and waving a finger in front of Jun's face. He was fuming with anger, "You want to act this way, then I will you tell this way! This stops right now!" Jun knew had crossed the line, but he was unable to hold back. So, instead of addressing the words of Sho; instead of telling him the cold hard truth he didn't even want to admit to himself, Jun had kicked his coffee table hard against the knees of his friend.  
"I don't need you god-damned sympathy, Sho! Why don't you shove if where the sun don't shine and leave me the fuck alone!" Sakurai had kicked the table back shouting all kinds of profanities at him. After that he had left; slamming the door so hard behind him that some of the paintings threatened to fall from the wall.

Nino had been the one to chase after Sho. Aiba and Ohno had remained quiet, not knowing how to deal with the troubling emotions they had never seen in their friend. 

But with Sakurai leaving there was no one who could stand up to him and Jun picked Nino to be his new scapegoat. Nino didn't care much. Jun could talk and yell all he wanted, as long as he could play his games, he saw no objection to his friend letting blowing of steam. 

It went on for a small amount of time. Aiba, who was a frequent guest back then, had enough of this ordeal. He repeatedly told Jun to stop abusing Nino to his face. And he urged Nino to speak up and make Jun stop himself. But with both being stubborn and neither acting normal, Aiba took it upon himself to set the record straight.  
He was generally easy-going and cheerful. He sure as hell didn't want to be the voice of reason, the one who voiced his concerns about the destructive spiral Jun winding up in. But as no one did anything... 

And so it was Aiba who said he couldn't handle the drama any more. He told him in a calm way, which weighed the severity of his words. He was serious, which was something that didn't happen all that often. Unlike Sho-kun he didn't use harsh words to get his point across. He just explained how he felt about this situation they found themselves in and that it just needed to stop. He honestly thought that Jun would see reason. Instead his friend exploded; feeling betrayed and heartbroken by Aiba's choice of words. Jun regretted that he had yelled and deliberately tried to hurt one of his best friends as deeply as he could. He had said things he would have never said if he hadn't been so frustrated with himself. 

He couldn't handle the look Aiba had given him when he left his house that evening. The sad regretful smile playing on his lips. That painful look Jun had put there with his words. It were Aiba's eyes which haunted him some nights when he felt low, lonely and sorry for himself. 

So, that left only Nino and Ohno. Nino hardly talked when he came over, too engrossed playing his game console. It was how it had always been when they were still Arashi. The only difference perhaps was that Jun had visited Nino's house during that time more often, instead of it being the other way around now.  
Jun never went to Nino's house any more. And with the silence his friend brought, it was Ohno who he relied on most these days. 

The silence during the trip up hill began to play on Ohno's nerves.  
"Nino will be away for a couple of weeks," He told Jun out of the blue. His voice sounded matter-of-factly, but also proud.  
Jun didn't reply. He felt a mix of emotions, none which would do any good in this conversation. Filling the silence some more Ohno continued his praise.  
"He is filming over seas again, you know." Jun remained silent and Ohno shrugged disappointed.  
"Aren't you at least a bit happy for him?" His question was met with another wall of silence.

It wasn't that Jun wasn't feeling the same pride as Ohno did. He was glad that Nino was doing so well within the foreign film industry. But the pride and excitement he felt for his friend was over shadowed by a dark and bitter jealousy he could fight. And staying silent was just another way to cope with the mess of these mixed emotions. Frustrated tears burned in his eyes and threatened to spill. But he refused to cry in front of any one, even if it was his only friend in the world.

"I wish you wouldn't tell me these things," Jun said after taking his time to swallow the tears back. His voice sounded neutral and he was grateful that he could pull it of. Ohno sighed, already aware what was going on in side his best friends mind.  
"Well, at least you won't have to go off on a ranting streak that Nino doesn't show up. Because now you know he isn't even in Japan," Ohno told him wisely. Jun clenched his teeth, feeling resentment.  
"Aiba sends his love," his friend continued as they reached the top of the hill. Silence greeted his words. "You know, you can't stay mad at him forever." The words left Ohno's mouth, knowing they would make little difference. Jun shrugged knowing the truth in that comment. Still, he didn't want to admit he was wrong. Didn't want to admit he had probably overreacted. 

Ohno pushed Jun's chair to the spot he loved the most; a small clearing between some trees, fenced off by a rickety, half destroy fence. There was a quiet little stream flowing between the Sakura trees below. Green grassy fields with purple lavender flowers against the blue of the sky. They seemed to go on forever. Ohno let out a sigh of relieve. The sweetened maintain air refreshed his mind and he instantly felt a lot better watching the view. 

He often came here to think. He parked Jun's chair and sat beside Jun in the grass. He didn't look up to his friend. Instead he plucked some grass and rolled it around between his fingers, staring into the distance without seeing anything. If Jun was impressed with the view he didn't let on.  
Not that Ohno had expected him too. If this was the old Jun they would've sat here together; side by side, talking nonsense, or enjoying the mutual silence. 

He lowered his gaze to the crumpled grass which he threw away before plucking some new ones. Jun had changed so much lately; it was hard to believe they still were close friends. He sighed. Had it really only been two years since the accident? It felt they were in this fix forever. 

Jun got up, startling Ohno by the unexpected movement. Ohno watch him go; half limping and struggling his way towards the edge of the clearing near the fence. For a split second Ohno's breath caught as a shocking thought jumped into his mind. He knew Jun would never do something that drastic no matter how he might feel, but Ohno couldn't help the thought from crossing his mind.  
He felt guilty for even letting his mind go there. Jun leaned, unaware of the alarm he cause his friend, against a tree looking at the view the spot offered them.

"Aiba asked me how you were doing," Jun's former leader said picking up where he left off. He knew he was more talking to himself than to Jun. There was a hesitation in his voice. Jun didn't turn around to acknowledge he had even heard him.  
"I told him I honestly don't know any more." There was genuine sadness in his voice. A half laughing sob followed. It was as if he had just realized he had been lying lately to one of his best friends. He didn't know how to answer his friends when they asked about Jun.

Jun refused to look at him and stared ahead seeing nothing in particular. He didn't want to think about the others. After all, he was the one who was hurt the most by their betrayal. 

Aiba now had a successful modelling career. In the beginning Aiba had taken him every where; taking their pictures together for magazines, of just for fun as a memento. His friend had wanted him to feel good secure. It just didn't work. Some of those photos still hung on his wall, others he had thrown away, some he had even torn to pieces in flaring fits of anger. Jun regretted it more than any of them knew.

"I don't want to talk about it." Jun swallowed hard. He didn't want to feel all mushy. He told himself he wasn't interested in what Ohno had to say about Aiba-chan. The truth was that he missed his friend more than he was able to admit to any one, least of all to himself. When Aiba had left their friendship in ruins, things just seemed more dire. Gone was the light teasing about his unfortunate situation, the little jokes only Aiba still dared to make. Even Nino didn't venture down that road any more. He missed the hugs when they sat around drinking together. The weird and funny discussions about topic only Aiba could dream up. Reminiscing about Arashi, how it had all changed and crying about it.

He missed Sakurai too, so much so that he got teary eyed when he watched his friend on TV announcing the news. Ohno continued to get his point across, in case Jun missed it.  
"Do you know how hard it is to keep up appearances?" Ohno didn't expect a reply as he took more grass to twist between his fingers.  
"You don't have to say anything to them about me," Jun shot back, "If Aiba wants to know how I'm doing, he can damn well pick up the phone and call me, can't he?!" Ohno closed his eyes for a moment, processing the harshness in Jun's tone of voice.  
"You're not making it easier," he remarked quietly. Jun turned around. Anger already showing.  
"Easier for who? For them or for you?"  
"Why do you always do that?" Ohno countered calmly, "You always sound so hostile, Jun. Doesn't it get tiresome?" What he actually meant was lonely, but there was no way he would get that word over his lips. Jun's anger only got more infused.  
"Is this the reason you brought me here? To complain to me?" The bitter words hung between them. "I didn't ask for this! I didn't ask to put in that chair! I didn't ask for you to keep me company day and night!" Jun was fuming. "If you had enough, just say so! I don't need you to make me feel better. I don't need you at all. You can go and leave already!" Ohno sighed at the outburst. He had hoped the beauty of this place would make him feel at ease for once. But now the good feeling of this place was being replaced by an empty feeling of hurt. 

There were times he wasn't sure if Jun even knew how his words hurt others. But there were also times, like this, when he was almost certain Jun was acting this way on purpose. It was a defence mechanism, a flashing warning sign not to get too close to the truth. Maybe backing off was the smart thing to do here, but...  
"That's not what I mean, Jun-kun, and you damn well know it!"  
"I know nothing. All I know is that you are all leaving me! First Sho, then Aiba! I don't know what Nino is up to and now you!" The anger came in full force, the resentment clear in his voice. "And I've had it, I can't deal this any more!" Funny, though Ohno to himself, exactly what we feel.  
"Then why do you do this to yourself?" Ohno countered trying to break through the wall Jun was putting up. "Are you really still blaming yourself for what happened?" 

Jun stared at him; teeth clenched, hands clenched together in fists; knuckles white under his grip. His eyes red and hard as if he had been holding back tears. The memory of the accident haunted him. Ohno could see it clearly in his eyes; the hurt that played on his handsome face. The painful silence made him tear up and as he looked for words to convey the moment passed.

"I'm going home," Jun announced emotionless, regaining somewhat of his posture. Slightly limping Jun hobbled back to the chair. As he passed Ohno, his friend grabbed him by the leg like a little kid. Jun looked down trying to shake him off.  
"Let me go, Ohno. I have nothing to say to you any more!"  
"Wait!" Ohno begged, "We'll go home together! I won't bring any of it up ever again. Just don't leave like this!" Jun was having none of it as he pulled backwards, kicking with his other foot at Ohno's hands around his ankle. 

The unbalance shot intense pain through his leg and back. He dragged Ohno from his spot with all his might, biting down, trying to ignore the flaring pain.  
"I don't want you to go home with me!" Jun said harshly getting to the wheelchair, dragging Ohno a few feet over the ground behind him. Ohno kept his grip on Jun's leg. 

Supported by the chair Jun kicked backwards trying to shake Ohno off. The break on the wheelchair shot loose and it began moving backwards pressed by Jun's weight. Ohno refused to let go. Jun kept kicking backwards as the chair began to roll down the slope on its own, making Jun lose grip off the chair and tumble to the ground. The intense pain caused by the impact with the ground shot through every fibre of his body. The wheelchair raced down hill, loosing it balance on the sandy slope, toppled over and hit a small cherry tree. Sakura pedals floated down covering the chair and the ground around it with the impact. 

The silenced lasted between them, both staring at the crashed chair lying on its side; one of the wheels still spinning. If Ohno hadn't been paying so much attention to his hurt friend he would've missed it. The slight shaking of his shoulders. It was ever so faint. Jun covered his face in his hands. His shoulders trembled. Biting on his lip Ohno felt a little lost for words. Talking never had been his strong suit. 

Letting go of Jun's leg Ohno crawled beside his younger friend and put his arm around him pulling him closer. The trembling grew to sobs.  
"It's okay," he whispered in a hushed tone against the younger man's hair, "Let it out." The words trigger the downpour of more tears. Ohno pulled him closer. Jun took the strength his friend offered by returning the tight hug, both arms around Ohno's neck. The sobbing grew, his shoulders shook with the intensity of the grief he had been holding back for so long. His mind fought for control over his emotions. He was scolding himself for the fact that he was crying, because he was unable to stop himself from doing so. He felt Ohno hand going through his hair, the other rubbing his back gently. He felt the warmth between them. 

His cheeks flustered a bit. He has missed this part of their friendship so badly. Ohno was clumsy trying to console his friend. Usually he was the one in tears and the one being hugged or teased. He had felt the emotional burden of his friend for the last two years. He felt sad and happy at the same time, crying and smiling as he tried to give Jun the best support he could offer.

Ohno lay on his back on the grass covered ground. His arms around his friend as tightly as he could. Jun's face lay against his shoulder, eyes pressed against his neck. He could feel Jun's tears roll down his skin. Ohno wanted to say something, Anything. Still, he remained silent; didn't know what to say or how to say it. Jun whispered with a voice thick with tears and grief; he was hardly audible between sobs and heaves.  
"You are talking nonsense," Ohno said, trying to make sense out of the words. It sounded like Jun was saying some harsh things about himself. He went on mumbling one sentence after the other.  
"Are you talking about the accident?" Ohno stared up at the sky above him, which was blurry by his own tears. Jun stopped talking.  
"That wasn't your fault, you know. It just was what it was; an unfortunate accident."  
"I've destroyed us," came the one sentence plaguing his friend ever since it had happened. Ohno swallowed. "That still doesn't make it your fault. You did not destroy us."  
"I did," Jun went on, rolling away from Ohno and lying on his side looking at his friend. His face was wet and flustered, looking like he was running a fever, "I-"  
"Shut up!" Ohno interrupted, "I don't want to hear it, because it isn't true." 

Jun watched his friend as he stared at the tree top above them.  
"What happen was unfortunate. But it was no one's fault." Ohno was looking for words to convey what he felt. The sad truth was that Jun had destroyed himself. If only he knew how often Sho and Aiba both kept in touch to check up on him. It made Ohno sad they had lost hope of reaching out to Jun. It was hard to admit you were getting no where. 

Sakurai had stopped coming because it frustrated the hell out of him that he couldn't do anything for Jun, since he didn't want to see reason. Aiba stopped coming over because of Jun's vicious circle of putting people down. Because he put himself down. Being the resident sunshine, he couldn't deal with that any more. And as Nino meant a lot to Aiba, he wasn't going to let his name get tarnished by anyone, not even Jun. After the fight Aiba sat crying in Ohno's living room confessing how he had lost his best friend. 

It didn't matter to Jun that he was still alive. Things could've turned out different if the parachute had failed to open all together. He had been skydiving before and never had a problem. But it went wrong that day of the shooting for the new drama he was starring in. Spinning and what not Jun had plummeted to the ground. His fall broken by trees and a lake. 

After hospitalization, the injuries didn't seem to be all that bad, except that Jun had to stay in a wheelchair for a while. A while which became indefinite as doctors tried but could not heal what was wrong with his back and leg. Which in turn meant Jun was unable to perform with his friends however hard he tried. And so difficult decisions had to be made. 

They announce the end of their beloved Arashi. After all, they had often discussed how to proceed if one was missing from the group. And with Arashi no longer there they all had new paths to walk. 

Nino went on with acting. Not being in Arashi meant more liberties to take on roles over seas, so he was frequently away. Aiba went on to modelling and presenting his TV shows. He often appeared in magazines published in Europe these days. Sakurai had taken on an even more serious news casting role, together with new adult evening programs. As always he remained very driven. Ohno had had two arts shows since then. He preferred to remain secluded. The four of them had done a drama or two in the past year. 

But it didn't take a genius to figure out it was around the time of the disbandment of their beloved group, Jun had started to feel frustrated. He felt left behind, not being able to compete and do thing with his friends. He was angry at himself for not able to deal with the jealousy it caused. In turn that jealousy let to guilt he didn't know how to handle. Jun hadn't want to express this weakness to his friends and trouble them with it. But fighting it alone was hard and it had been building up until there was no escaping the torture he had set for himself. He felt conflicted about how jealous he felt and truly wanting to be happy for his friends. After all they were doing so well. But instead of encouraging...

The tears kept running across Jun's face.  
"I wish I knew what to say to you," Ohno whispered to his friend, wiping the stray tears away. Jun look so sad it broke his heart as it so often had over the years. "I don't know how to reach out to you any more." Ohno tried to hold back what he felt, knowing he couldn't keep thinking straight. Tears of his own welled up. "It hurts to see you like this. I wish you knew what you mean to us. What you still mean to me." Jun watched a tear spill from the eyes of his former leader.  
"I haven't seen you cry in a long time." Jun said quietly taking Ohno's hands in his own for support. Looking at their laced fingers Jun smiled sadly: "I've missed this more than you probably know." Jun voice broke as his indicated to them holding hands. A simple gesture they often did. The simple touching, the acknowledgement of each other. They used to do it a lot. Part of it was fan service, but it was always genuine in nature. They didn't always have to hang out together, but somehow if they had shows or performances they were unusually close. The group often teased them about Ohno being head over heels in love with his younger friend. 

"I've cried plenty," Ohno entrusted Jun, " just not around you." The words were not meant to hurt, but Ohno saw them being taken that way. "I felt like I was making the situation worse if I would. You have been so angry lately. I didn't want you to be mad at me as well."  
"I could never be mad at you," Jun countered. His voice sounded bitter as he sat up, hugging his knees with his arms.  
"I think you would say the same about Aiba and Sho-kun."  
"I was never mad at them." Jun stared ahead. Ohno laid his arms under his head and lay on his back again staring up. He watched a few birds fly over and following them until they disappeared from view. The words 'you could have fooled me' were playing on his lips. Instead he went with: "They know that." Jun slowly looked at Ohno.  
"You are not as tough and together as you might want to make us believe," his older friend continued. "We know how hard this is to deal with." Jun looked away again.  
"They left any way," he remarked leaning his head on his knees. He looked like a little kid. Still, Ohno didn't look at him.  
"You gave them plenty of reasons to stay away."  
"That just proves what I said a minute ago. I've destroyed us. I broke up Arashi. I ruined our friendship." He sighed troubled. "I don't even know why you are still hanging around me."  
Ohno laughed teary eyed. "Because I love you. Because I will not let you go that easily. Because our friendship means the world to me. Take a pick." He counted the reasons on his fingers. Ohno sat up laying his head against Jun shoulder. "None of your friends truly left you, you know. They always call me or Nino to ask what's going on. How you are doing." He laughed remembering something. "Aiba told us he was at your house last month and peeking through the windows to see for himself how you were."  
"He could've rung the doorbell," Jun complained to which Ohno looked up. He nudged Jun against his shoulder.  
"Really? Would he have been welcomed back into your house if you caught him spying?" Jun thought about it.  
"Probably not." Ohno nodded in agreement, nudging him again until Jun shoved him aside. "Stop that!" Ohno fell to his side smirking. He shoved Jun back.  
"You stop it," he teased laughing. They shoved each other, playing around for a while.

"At least you are smiling again," Ohno said out loud, giving voice to his thoughts while going with his hand through his friend's hair. They were lying back on their backs. Jun rested head his head on Ohno's chest. He remained quiet for a bit. After goofing around for a while he felt better. It wasn't an instant better, but it felt like he was no longer alone. The feeling was most akin to the feeling he had when Arashi first started out. Of course, back then he already had Aiba and Nino by his side. He knew he should make amends. He had known it from the moment they left, with that hurt expression on their faces. Aiba's sad smile. The pain in Sho-kun's eyes.

"You don't have to call them right this moment, you know." Ohno guessed Jun's thoughts. "It's okay to take it easy for a while. Figure out what you want. They won't go any where." More tears burned.  
"I still don't get why you keep hanging around me. You and Nino, " he corrected, "but mostly you." Ohno just smiled looking up at the clear skies, the sakura tree tops above them.  
"I told you. It's because you mean the world to me."


End file.
